Are there any perks associated with being a grandparent?At first glance, It seemed doubtful to this Baby Boomer. Oh sure, everybody says they welcome taking care of the grandkids in hopes of witnessing their first smiles. But as they grow up, those moments dwindle in significance compared to our expressions of relief when our babysitting obligaations are over.
Grandparent Memories
That opening question springs from our attending our five-year-old grandson’s birthday party last weekend. Watching the event unfold through the plate glass window at Kangas recalled a similar incident I witnessed at a Boston area McDonalds years before. A glum elderly gentleman dressed in a gray suit and tie sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Around him a half-dozen six-year-olds gamboled about blowing on noisemakers and shouting “Happy Birthday” to his grandson at the top of their lungs.
That recollection haunted me for years even after we had children of our own. It certainly didn’t make the prospect of waking early on a Sunday morning, driving 70 miles to an unfamiliar location (Queens NYC), and witnessing a bunch of raucous children any rosier despite the opportunity of escaping Trump’s invective for a day.
Alleviating Anxiety
To deal with other instances of this kind, my solace comes from a source consulted many times before as a writer: the pages of a novel. Surely, I reasoned, authors more esteemed than I must have dealt with this problem in their stories.
You’d think so, but it was an unpleasant surprise to discover the dearth of grandparent angst depicted in literature. Out of 319 books dredged misup by computer AI, only a handful dealt with the misgivings of being a grandparent. Most were bildungsromans, coming-of-age stories where the protagonists are children learning to cope with their rampaging emotions and apprehensions over becoming adults.
Perks of Grandparenting: Casting About
“Rightfully,” some readers might say. After all, children have the majority of their lives still before themd. Their environments, their families, and the decisions made from such nurturance form a recognizable story arc authors have used for centuries. Such narratives reflect the commonly accepted reality that elderly people, including grandparents, most of whose life narratives are behind them, should accept their roles as guiders and nurturers of succeeding generation(s).
However, assuming such subsidiary roles doesn’t address the needs, aspirations, and emotions of the elders involved. Are they supposed to be satisfied with playing that non-player character (NPC) role? It recalls the grandfather/narrator role played by Peter Falk in the film version of William Goldman‘s The Princess Bride. Is imparting one’s wisdom and experience off-screen sufficient recompense for aiding a boy’s slumbers? Would such consignment alleviate the misery of that grandfather experienced at that Boston McDonalds decades ago?
I think not.
Resorting to Science: Nostalgia’s Role
Memories come in many forms and provoke a variety of emotions. As instanced above, not all of them need be sentimental or heart-warming. A recent study by researchers from the University of Buffalo and Kyoto University found that nostalgic people may be more inclined to strengthen and maintain long-term relationships than those who aren’t. The reason why: when people reminisce about the good times spent with loved ones, they appreciate them more and strive to maintain those relationships. According to study co-author Kuan Ju-Huang, this means that those positive attachments “may be more likely to last, even as our lives, interests, and responsibilities change.”
What this means for the individual depends upon his or her personality. Those of us who observe life, such as writers and artists, tend to protect their inner selves by objectivizing life’s activities and relationships. Those who take more active roles subjectivize their life’s activities and relationships. Neither approach is more correct than the other.
However, the former approach can be a two-edged sword. Observation does enable the individual to take a more objective approach to life. Yet, iit also distances him/her from the warm, emotional connections that foster long-term relationships.
Perks of Grandparenting: Acquisition
Reflecting furather on my Boston anecdote, no one can say for sure whether that grandparent enjoyed his grandchildren’s birthday experience. Based on my one-off observations, he wasn’t. Perhaps, inwardly he was, but was unable to express his joy at his grandson and his friends’ celebration. Maybe his being there was all the affirmation he could manage.
Consequently, it’s unwise to pass judgment on what that grandfather should have done or on his level of involvement. Perhaps he participated in all his grandchildren’s life events with that same level of tolerant misery. However, he also could have forged the first link in the chain of family nostalgia by standing up and dancing around the table with his grandson’s friends in celebration of one of life’s milestones.
We’ll never know. But as one Boomer icon concluded on their album Abbey Road, “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
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